Razors, Wolverine, and Eye Pencil

Perhaps it has something to do with Shrinky, but beards, I dig ’em. I like a good goatee like Shrinky’s got and I have much appreciation for a tidy beard like Ken’s perfectly- groomed facial enhancement over there. A beard like that beard says, "I’m a man, I wash, and I smell good. Come and nibble on my ears."

Oh, all right. That’s what Ken’s beard says TO ME. You may hear something completely different.

You may be a fan of waxing, lasering it all off, or shaving. Or you could be the kind of person who finds that no beard looks good unless it’s got that certain biker quality to it. I’ll be the first to admit that Aaron Eckhart’s full biker beard in Erin Brockovich was uber sexy. But that could have been due to the fact he didn’t have a big biker beer gut. Or that he was Aaron Eckhart. For you, it may be all about the hair on his head. Daniel Day Lewis’s locks in Last of the Mohicans or Jack Black’s shaggy ‘do might float your boat, but for me it comes down to how well you wear a beard.

While facial hair fascinates me, I do not much care for a man with a Snidley whiplash ‘mo or walrus-like food brush ‘neath his nose. Mutton chops are plain wrong unless they’re grown by Toby Stephens or Wolverine, and Elvis sideburns are a joke. Like I said, I dig a nice, tidy beard on a man. I like chest hair too, for it’s oh-so-manly-man-ness, but what I don’t like, what I hate, what makes me think, dude, go wash your face, is stubble. You know the kind I mean? It’s that beyond five o’clock shadow thing that looks like coal dust or misapplied eyeshadow. To me, nothing looks more unkempt than stubble. A man in a tuxedo should NOT have stubble unless he is James Bond after a hard day killing bad guys at Casino Royale. Three-day growth is not sexy. It’s lazy and it’s scratchy. You looked like you rolled out of bed. You look like you might….stink.

What I hate worse than the stinky aspect that could come with the look of stubble, is Stylised Stubble. I know you’ve seen him, he’s the man who used an appliance to grind his whiskers down to make it looks as if he used his mother’s or girlfriend’s eyeshadow on his jawline. Then there’s the uber-sculpted look, to your right, the I-drew-this-on-with-eye-pencil facial hair, which, if you ask me, besides being something a romance hero should never have, is the comb-over of beards.

You know, I am sort of impressed by your ability to grow facial hair and do interesting things with it in the same way I know youre impressed by the fact I can grow a baby and wax a bikini line. You pee standing up You look at boobs. You have whiskers on your face. You’re a man, it’s part of your charm. But can you do me a favour? Shave or grow the damn beard, and keep your chest hair, but leave the waxing to us. It’s getting hard to tell who’s supposed to be the girl lately, since we’re sharing the hair sculpting routines.